Introduction
We are inherently social beings, wired for connection and belonging. Our deepest fulfillment comes from relationships, first and foremost with God, and then with others. Statistically, the majority of people will enter into marriage at some point in their lives. However, the prevailing approach to relationships in our world, characterized by the “hook up, shack up, break up, repeat” cycle does not bring the fulfillment that it promises and yet many repeat the cycle again and again. There is a better way, which we discuss in this Biblical guide to dating.
If you’re a young adult seeking guidance on navigating relationships and pursuing marriage in a way that honors God, this blog post is for you. If you’re already married, this post can provide valuable insights for guiding your children or mentoring others as they embark on their own relationship journeys.
Regardless of your past mistakes or experiences, your current stage of faith, or your relationship status, I want to assure you that the Lord still has something important to say to you. God desires to guide you towards fulfilling relationships, with the people around you and with Himself. His word is living and active, and He is actively working in your life. Open your heart and let Him speak to you.
In the following sections, we’ll explore the role of parenting and teaching your children about healthy relationships and dating, the importance of choosing a spouse who shares your faith, the significance of courage and vulnerability, and the virtue of maintaining purity. We will unpack the story of Isaac and Rebekah in Genesis 24, and use the lessons in it as a guide for how we should manage our relationships, particularly those with the potential to result in marriage.
A Biblical explanation of dating
While the term “dating” is commonly used today to describe romantic relationships, the Bible offers a different perspective on how relationships should develop. The biblical concept of courtship emphasizes intentionality and purpose, with the ultimate goal of marriage. Unlike modern dating, which often involves a casual approach to relationships, courtship is characterized by a clear understanding of the potential for a lifelong commitment.
Some may engage in dating to seek fulfillment, enhance their social status, or to avoid their feelings of loneliness. However, the primary focus of these relationships often deviates from the biblical intention of seeking God’s guidance and aligning with His principles for marriage.
The role of parents in dating
In biblical courtship, parents play a significant role in guiding their children towards suitable partners. Shared faith and values are considered essential for a successful marriage. In the story of Isaac and Rebekah in Genesis 24, Abraham, Isaac’s father, carefully selected Rebekah as a wife for his son, ensuring that they had shared values and beliefs.
Now Abraham was old, well advanced in years. And the Lord had blessed Abraham in all things. 2 And Abraham said to his servant, the oldest of his household, who had charge of all that he had, “Put your hand under my thigh, 3 that I may make you swear by the Lord, the God of heaven and God of the earth, that you will not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell, 4 but will go to my country and to my kindred, and take a wife for my son Isaac.” Genesis 24:1-4
Before we unpack this, the servant placing his hands under Abraham’s thigh was a cultural practice in that era, signifying a solemn oath or commitment. It’s not meant to be taken literally in the modern context.
The story of Isaac and Rebekah is often interpreted as an example of an arranged marriage, where parents select a spouse for their child. While arranged marriages may not be the norm in many Western societies today, they continue to be a prevalent practice in various parts of the world. Despite the modern perception of arranged marriages as outdated or restrictive, these unions often resulted in successful and deeply fulfilling relationships. Parents who genuinely care for their children’s well-being may possess valuable insights into compatibility and character traits that could contribute to a harmonious marriage.
In the case of Isaac and Rebekah, Abraham, Isaac’s father, carefully selected Rebekah as a wife for his son. He recognized her virtues, including her kindness, compassion, and willingness to serve God. These qualities, along with their shared faith and values, laid the foundation for a strong and lasting marriage.
Seek the wisdom of your parents or married couples you admire
In the journey of finding a spouse, parental involvement plays a crucial role in shaping and nurturing a relationship that aligns with God’s plan for marriage. My wife and I, from the very beginning of our relationship, sought the guidance and wisdom of our parents. Their insights, rooted in experience and faith, were invaluable in navigating the complexities of our relationship and making informed decisions.
If you are currently in or considering a relationship and have Christ-following parents, I highly encourage you to engage them in open and honest conversations. Their perspectives, shaped by their love for you and their understanding of God’s will, can give you a lot of wisdom as you begin to date.
If you do not have Christ-following parents or parents who are around, don’t hesitate to seek counsel from couples you respect, whose marriages embody Christ’s love and teachings. Their guidance, combined with your own prayers and discernment, can help you make wise choices and build a relationship rooted in faith. In our own relationship, Sarah and I also found it beneficial to seek wisdom from an older couple whom we deeply respected. Their insights gave us a fresh perspective and valuable advice that enriched our relationship.
Parental involvement, when approached with respect and openness, can be a source of strength and guidance in building a relationship that honors God. By seeking the wisdom of those who love and care for us, we can navigate the complexities of relationships with greater clarity and make decisions aligned with God’s heart.
Look for a wife with the same beliefs that you have
When Abraham says ‘Go to my country, to my kindred’, he is asking the servant to choose a wife for his son who has the same beliefs as he does.
The Bible has much to say about choosing a spouse with the same beliefs as you.
A wife is bound as long as her husband is living. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to anyone she wants—only in the Lord. 1 Corinthians 7:39
14 Don’t become partners with those who do not believe. For what partnership is there between righteousness and lawlessness? Or what fellowship does light have with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:14
These passages are saying that you are never going to fulfill the purpose God created you for if you aren’t moving in the same direction. Isaac followed God and had a mission in the land of Canaan. Abraham wanted him to have a wife who had the same beliefs and also bought into the mission Isaac had in order to partner together as a unified team.
For those who follow Christ, continuing a dating relationship with someone who doesn’t share your faith requires careful and serious consideration. While it’s noble to want to bring someone to Christ, you must recognize that only God can truly transform their heart. While miraculous conversions do occur, they are not the norm, and it’s the believers faith that wanes more often than not. I have witnessed many individuals move away from Christ and His purpose for their lives due to such relationships. It’s therefore crucial to avoid going down this path.
At what age can I start a relationship?
Particularly for the young men reading this: if you can support a wife financially, spiritually and emotionally, or are close to that place, and you know what God has called you to – you are in a good place to start thinking about a relationship. If mum and dad are going to be providing for you for the foreseeable future and you have no idea what the Lord has laid on your heart then you are most likely not yet ready for a relationship that is moving towards marriage.
Ladies, if a man pursues you without demonstrating financial stability, spiritual maturity, and emotional readiness – it is probably a very good idea to let him down kindly, and explain the above to him. It may be a ‘no’, or a perhaps ‘not yet’ conversation.
Dating requires risk and courage
5 The servant said to him, “Suppose the woman is unwilling to follow me to this land? Should I have your son go back to the land you came from?”
6 Abraham answered him, “Make sure that you don’t take my son back there. 7 The Lord, the God of heaven, who took me from my father’s house and from my native land, who spoke to me and swore to me, ‘I will give this land to your offspring’—he will send his angel before you, and you can take a wife for my son from there. 8 If the woman is unwilling to follow you, then you are free from this oath to me, but don’t let my son go back there.” Genesis 24:5-8
There is risk in any relationship, but this is at the core of the Gospel. God pays a great price for us at the risk that we may not accept his offer. And for men (since it is usually the men who initiate) there will always be a risk. Be courageous and follow the Lord’s voice when you hear Him prompting you to pursue a romantic relationship. Remember, even if faced with rejection, your identity remains firmly rooted in Christ. So go ahead, ask her out! Grab a coffee, get to know her. Initiating a date doesn’t equate to an engagement; it simply signifies your intention and interest. And ladies, don’t hesitate to accept date invitations! In this world, sometimes a date within Christian circles feels like an impending engagement. Relax, enjoy the date, and see where it leads.
The “3 Coffee Date” rule: A guide for navigating early relationships
This is a simple framework to help people navigate the early stages of courtship or dating. Here’s how it works from the perspective of a man seeking a godly woman:
First Date: If you’re interested in a woman of good character, chances are she’ll agree to a date if she finds you at least respectable, even if she doesn’t have strong feelings initially. Her kindness, thoughtfulness, and caring nature may lead her to accept your invitation.
Second Date: After a few days or weeks, if you feel the first date went well and your interest in her has grown, consider asking for a second date. If she agrees without hesitation, it suggests a level of mutual interest. While there’s always a possibility of her being overly polite, typically, a woman would likely decline if she’s not interested.
Third Date: If the second date goes smoothly and the third date is arranged effortlessly, it’s a strong indication of mutual feelings. This is the moment for you to take that courageous step and express your romantic interest. Initiate a conversation about the potential for a deeper relationship between the two of you.
Before using the 3 Coffee Date Rule, it’s crucial to spend time getting to know each other’s personalities and values in group settings. Don’t rush into these dates immediately after meeting someone.
Show your intentions clearly
Then the servant took ten of his master’s camels and departed, taking all sorts of choice gifts from his master; and he arose and went to Mesopotamia to the city of Nahor. 11 And he made the camels kneel down outside the city by the well of water at the time of evening, the time when women go out to draw water. Genesis 24:10-11
Step out of your comfort zone and actively engage with potential partners. Immerse yourself in social circles where you can meet like-minded individuals. Don’t isolate yourself in video games, sports activities, or solely within your established friend groups. Expand your social horizons and put yourself in situations where you can connect with potential romantic partners.
Look for character
12 And he said, “O Lord, God of my master Abraham, please grant me success today and show steadfast love to my master Abraham. 13 Behold, I am standing by the spring of water, and the daughters of the men of the city are coming out to draw water. 14 Let the young woman to whom I shall say, ‘Please let down your jar that I may drink,’ and who shall say, ‘Drink, and I will water your camels’—let her be the one whom you have appointed for your servant Isaac. By this I shall know that you have shown steadfast love to my master.” Genesis 24:12-14
Seek guidance from God through prayer and focus on character rather than perfection. Don’t become overly fixated on finding someone who perfectly aligns with your checklist, as you might miss the imperfect, yet perfect partner, that God has chosen for you. After all, what we perceive as perfection in others may not be the same standard we hold ourselves to.
“How could I take him seriously after seeing ‘The Road Less Traveled’ on his bookshelf? If she would just lose seven pounds. Sure he’s a partner, but it’s not a big firm. And he wears those short black socks. It was going great: she had a great face, smile and body, but then she turned around, and she had dirty elbows…” Picky Picky Picky by John Tierney
In our image-obsessed society, we often place undue emphasis on physical appearance. While physical attraction plays an important role in relationships, it’s crucial to remember that inner character holds far greater value and beauty. Ask yourself if you would rather have a physically attractive partner with a questionable character or someone who may not be a supermodel by the world’s standards, but possesses a remarkable inner beauty and Godly love. True fulfillment in a relationship blossoms when two individuals are wholeheartedly committed to each other for life. This unwavering commitment is the foundation for a life filled with joy and celebration.
Looking for the “perfect” one is detrimental to your character
First, it lulls you into a state of passivity, making you wait for the ideal partner to magically appear without any effort on your part. This passive approach hinders your ability to make informed choices based on character and shared values.
Second, it breeds complacency in your own character development. The belief that “the right person” will magically fix your flaws and shortcomings can hinder your personal growth and prevent the development of a strong, fulfilling relationship.
God’s sovereignty doesn’t mean sitting idly by. Rather, it works through our choices and actions. He has orchestrated life in a way that His plans supersede our thoughts, actions, and desires. He works through these elements to bring about His divine purposes. So, in the context of relationships, seek God’s guidance, listen attentively to His voice, and then actively engage in the dating process. Live, act, and find rest in Him, knowing that He is in control. He who finds a wife finds a good thing, but finding requires actively seeking.
Do you trust in Jesus?
The Lord is working in your life and your relationships – no matter how you feel they are going. If you feel you have messed up too badly, the good news is that you haven’t. None of us are ever beyond the love and forgiveness of Christ. There is always Hope when we open our lives to Him.
Life is about honoring Jesus and putting Him first. He is the one we will stand before one day and give an account for our lives. He is our Heavenly Father who loves us. He knows best. Do you trust Him? Your answer to that question is where you should start on your road to marriage.
Keep focusing on serving the Lord first
Relationships are a wonderful thing to pursue, but don’t let them become the singular focus of your years. Grow in your relationships with the Lord and seek Him above all things. You will be surprised by how God orchestrates your relationships when you stop chasing them, and rather chase Him. If you aren’t yet sure about the mission Jesus is calling you to, have a look at The Purposeful Life which will help you. We each have a limited amount of time and it is vital we learn how to make an impact that lasts for all eternity.
