If you haven’t yet read the first part of this mini-series, you can read part one here.
The world in which we live operates best when healthy guardrails are in place. Just think about the chaos that would ensue if our laws and regulations were removed.
In Zimbabwe, as corruption has increased, so too has general disregard for many other helpful rules to govern society – particularly when it comes to driving. Stopping at lights, using indicators, overtaking at correct places and abiding by the speed limits has been thrown out the window by many. This has led to increased chaos, accidents, road rage and traffic jams.
When it comes to romantic relationships, scripture gives us healthy guardrails to allow relationships to flourish. God is our creator who loves us, and the designer of marriage. He gives us a blueprint to follow in order to help us live a purposeful and fulfilling life.
Genesis 24:15-16
Before he had finished praying, Rebekah came out with her jar on her shoulder. She was the daughter of Bethuel son of Milkah, who was the wife of Abraham’s brother Nahor. 16 The woman was very beautiful, a virgin; no man had ever slept with her. She went down to the spring, filled her jar and came up again. Genesis 24:15-16
“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” Hebrews 13:4 (NIV):
Sex & Marriage
Regardless of faith beliefs, marriage is still held in high regard by many around the world. There is still a sense that it signifies something deeper and more meaningful than cohabiting.
Biblically speaking, sexual relationships are intended exclusively for the commitment of marriage, the context established by God. Within the marriage relationship, sexual intimacy is given to one man and one woman as an incredible gift. In Genesis and throughout other scriptures, God’s purpose is very clearly that sex would create a deep emotional, spiritual and physical connection that is only truly experienced within the covenant of marriage between a man and a woman for the duration of their lives on earth.
Christians hold that this exclusive relationship serves as a reflection of God’s design for love, commitment, and mutual self-giving. Married couples honor not only their commitment to one another but also align themselves with God’s plan for marriage, promoting a holistic and God-honoring expression of love that goes beyond mere physical gratification.
This perspective may appear stringent in societies today, where individual choices often prioritize personal satisfaction over considerations of what is genuinely beneficial to them and other people.
And if that is how you feel right now, please keep reading. I believe that Gods design is meant to be the parachute that allows us to safely experience the wonder of skydiving rather than a straight jacket that removes our happiness.
Sex before marriage
The bond created by sexual intimacy is powerful, forging a connection that is not easily forgotten. Engaging in sex with someone who is not your spouse can lead to feelings of regret, lack of fulfilment and lingering guilt.
Even Christians who have engaged in premarital sex before marriage may continue to grapple with feelings of regret and guilt, despite being in a marital relationship. God’s grace and forgiveness are freely available, but, there are natural consequences for deviating from His intended plan for our lives and sexuality.
This may sound extreme, but also, consider the possibility that sex before marriage can set us up for future betrayal. If it is acceptable to you to have sex before you are married (outside of the marriage covenant), it may mean that you will find it equally acceptable to engage in extra marital relations after you are married (Again, outside of the marriage covenant). The forbidden excitement associated with the sinful nature of such actions (similar to what Adam and Eve may have felt when tempted by Satan in the garden of Eden) can create unrealistic expectations for your relationship, potentially leading to a sense of dissatisfaction within the natural healthy God-given sexual intimacy within a flourishing marriage.
By abstaining from premarital sex and saving oneself for marriage, there is an opportunity to experience the excitement of engaging in sex within its proper context. This aligns with God’s intended plan for every married couple, recognizing sexual intimacy as a crucial element in the framework of a thriving marriage.
How Far Can I Go Before Marriage?
I suggest a more meaningful question would be: “How close can you stay to Christ?” Reflect on the question, “How far can I go?” or in other words, “How much can I get away with?” and you’ll likely discover a desire to push boundaries and engage in behavior that doesn’t honour God at all. This inclination also reflects a somewhat rebellious heart, aiming to test the limits. Instead, our emphasis should be on honoring God in every aspect of our lives—our bodies, minds, and relationships—while trusting that He will lead us towards what is ultimately beneficial for us, for our good and His glory.
Addressing sexual frustration
Identify when arousal begins and make a conscious effort to stop any action before reaching that point. For some that may be holding hands! Remember, the goal is to keep yourself as far away from temptation and as close to honouring Jesus as possible.
Future spouse perspective
Reflect on how you would want someone to treat your future spouse at this moment – I am certain you would want it to be in a way that honors God. In the same light, recognise that for all your best intentions, especially if you are still young, you may not end up marrying the person you are with today. If you do end up marrying them, then treat your future spouse with God-Honoring respect that will prevent them feeling any emotional guilt and unhealthy memories in future.
Men, you need to take the lead on this. Set the example of what it means to put Jesus first in your relationships.
Living Together [Cohabitation]
Take a look at these studies on cohabitation and divorce;
- The Star: Verve (25 June 2012) Does living together before marriage make you more likely to divorce?
Summary: Cohabitation has become the norm in modern society. 80% of us live together before tying the knot. Sharing resources makes good sense as does testing the strength of the relationship by living together. Except, according to psychologists, it doesn’t necessarily work like that. Cohabiting couples are more likely to divorce once they have tied the knot.
2. “The Pre-engagement Cohabitation Effect: A Replication and Extension of Previous Findings” by Nock, Ruggero, and Settersten (2017):
Summary: This study examined the relationship between pre-engagement cohabitation, post-engagement cohabitation, and marital quality. It found that couples who cohabited before engagement reported lower marital satisfaction, dedication, and confidence compared to those who cohabited only after engagement or not until marriage. Additionally, they experienced more negative communication and a higher risk of divorce.
Reference: Nock, D. L., Ruggero, E. A., & Settersten, R. A. (2017). The Pre-engagement Cohabitation Effect: A Replication and Extension of Previous Findings. Journal of Marriage and Family, 79(1), 157-171. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00768.x
3. “Is Cohabitation Still Linked to Greater Odds of Divorce?” by Rosenfeld and Roesler (2018):
Summary: This study challenged the emerging view that the link between premarital cohabitation and divorce had weakened over time. Their analysis revealed a complex relationship, where cohabiting couples had a lower divorce risk in the first year of marriage but a higher risk in subsequent years. Additionally, they found that the negative association between cohabitation and divorce was stronger for younger couples.
Reference: Rosenfeld, M. J., & Roesler, K. (2018). Is Cohabitation Still Linked to Greater Odds of Divorce? Journal of Marriage and Family, 80(5), 1047-1068. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jomf.12617
4. “Premarital Cohabitation Is Still Associated With Greater Odds of Divorce” by Institute for Family Studies (2022):
Summary: This research brief reviewed a wide range of studies on cohabitation and divorce, concluding that the link between the two remains significant. While acknowledging some recent studies suggesting a weakening association, the brief argued that these studies often had methodological limitations and that stronger evidence supports a continued link between premarital cohabitation and higher divorce rates.
Reference: Institute for Family Studies. (2022, January 18). Premarital Cohabitation Is Still Associated With Greater Odds of Divorce. https://ifstudies.org/blog/premarital-cohabitation-is-still-associated-with-greater-odds-of-divorce
Further studies from the following institutions, Universities of Chicago, Michigan, Wisconsin, Yale, Columbia, Pennsylvania State show that: those who cohabit before marriage have unhappier marriages, and are 50%-80% more likely to divorce.
The results are in, and they are clear. If we follow God’s plan for our lives, we will reap the benefits of those decisions. You will spare yourself and your partner the consequences of sin, and God will be magnified through your relationship.
Important note: If you’ve been involved in a physical relationship with your partner, whether currently or in the past, remember that the grace of the Lord is more than enough! Seek forgiveness and commit to a path of purity and moving forward. I’ve witnessed numerous inspiring stories of couples who, despite engaging in premarital intimacy, chose to honor Jesus as they journeyed toward marriage. The impact on their relationship extends far beyond the wedding day, enriching their marriage in remarkable ways to this day.
The Courtship Process
17 Then the servant ran to meet her and said, “Please let me have a little water from your jug.” 18 She replied, “Drink, my lord.” She quickly lowered her jug to her hand and gave him a drink. 19 When she had finished giving him a drink, she said, “I’ll also draw water for your camels until they have had enough to drink.” 20 She quickly emptied her jug into the trough and hurried to the well again to draw water. She drew water for all his camels 21 while the man silently watched her to see whether or not the Lord had made his journey a success. Genesis 24:17-21
In a Christian context, courtship refers to a purposeful and intentional romantic relationship between a man and a woman with the goal of working out if it will culminate in marriage. Unlike casual dating, Christian courtship emphasizes the importance of seeking spiritual compatibility, shared values, and a commitment to follow biblical principles in the relationship. It often involves the active involvement and guidance of parents, mentors, or the church community to provide accountability, support, and wisdom. The ultimate purpose of Christian courtship is to honor God in the process of finding a life partner and to ensure that the relationship is grounded in faith and obedience to Christ. This approach to relationships seeks to foster a deep connection, mutual respect, and a commitment to building towards a Christ-centered marriage.
There are no set rules or steps to follow, but here is a practical outline that is a helpful guide as you move towards courtship:
Stage 1: Build Friendships. Spend time in group settings without a specific agenda. Engage with people in various contexts.
Stage 2: Attraction. This is where someone catches your eye from the crowd.
Stage 3: Pursuit. Take a more deliberate approach to assess if the person is devoted to Christ and actively serving Him. Evaluate his or her character.
Stage 4: Courage. Step out and ask to go on a date. If it goes well, propose going on a second date, and even a third. Subsequently, express your intentions for the relationship. (Check out the 3 Coffee Rule if you havnt read that article yet!)
Stage 5: Advice and Accountability. Check with friends and pastors. Seek advice and establish accountability during this stage.
Stage 6: Official. Now it is time to intentionally get to know each other with the ultimate intention of moving towards marriage.
Stage 7: Break up/Engagement Counseling. As you progress you should get a sense of peace and expectation if God is leading you to be together. Avoid rushing the process, and if you feel unsettled, it is better for both of you to end the relationship than to move forward into something that may not be right for you.
What If There’s Nothing on the Horizon?
Now Isaac had come from Beer Lahai Roi, for he was living in the Negev. 63 He went out to the field one evening to meditate, and as he looked up, he saw camels approaching. Genesis 24:63
What do you do if, at this moment, there are no apparent relationship opportunities for you? Maybe you are feeling lonely and desperate for the comfort and companionship a relationship could bring, but it feels like a period of romantic emptiness, a desert with no oasis in site! Alternatively, you might find yourself in a dead end relationship that is going nowhere and needs to be ended.
If you are in that place,, as hard as it may seem it’s so important to focus on the Lord. Embrace your relationship with Jesus, and work actively on building solid character. Make an effort to grow in essential skills for healthy relationships, such as practicing unconditional love, exercising self-control, and developing an understanding and respect for the opposite sex. If you need help with the basics of relating, such a two way conversation – ask someone you look up to in that regard.
Additionally, it’s important to steer clear of destructive habits like pornography and fantasy, as these will dramatically hinder personal and relational well-being. Instead, channel your heart and time into building meaningful friendships and seeking God’s kingdom. Prioritize prayer and trust in God’s timing, understanding that there may be a purpose in the current season of singleness or the need to exit a dead-end relationship.
Encouragement
To conclude, this brief overview has provided some fundamental insights into biblical dating, and I hope it offers you valuable guidance and encouragement. Regardless of how you perceive the state of your life and relationships, remember that the Lord is actively working in them. Even if you think you’ve made significant mistakes, know that you are never beyond the love and forgiveness of Christ. There is always hope when we open our lives to Him, and you can do that right now.
Ultimately, life is about honoring Jesus and prioritizing Him. He is the one before whom we will stand one day to give an account of our lives, including our relationships. As our Heavenly Father and Savior, He loves us and knows what is best for us. Trusting Him is vital. Before considering courtship, ensure that you have settled this foundational aspect of your life.
If you’re uncertain about the mission Jesus is calling you to, explore our downloadable resource on the Purposeful Life, which can help align your life with your calling. Each of us has a limited amount of time on earth, and our focus should be on how to make an impact for Christ that lasts for all eternity.
