Tips for parenting teenagers – an introduction
Over the years, I have noticed recurring issues when parenting teenagers that lead to conflict, misunderstandings, emotional hurt, and frustration. By considering these 10 tips for parenting teenagers and taking action steps provided, you can experience growth in your relationship. There is no quick fix or one-size-fits-all solution, but putting in effort can yield incredibly rewarding results.
1. Your identity as a parent matters
As parents, we can never be perfect, but it’s crucial to address our personal issues before trying to address those in our teenagers. Just like the biblical verse in Matthew 7: 3-5 about hypocrisy, we must recognize and work on areas in our lives that need attention before criticising others.
I have spent a lot of time watching fathers shouting at their sons on the sports field. In many cases, it is clear that the father’s identity and pride is at stake, rather than genuine support for his son, regardless of performance. This misdirected anger can confuse a child and create division and distance, rather than forging a connection.
Struggles with purpose, low self-esteem, or past pain can impact our parenting. It will be very difficult to build a strong relationship with your teenager if you are operating out of hurt, desperation for affirmation, or depression. Acknowledging and addressing these issues is essential to building a healthy relationship with our teenagers.
Reflection: Take time to assess any blind spots in your life and make a decision to work on them. Seek help if needed; there’s no shame in doing so.
2. You need to walk the talk when parenting teenagers
We can’t expect our teenagers to live any different to how we are living.
When our children are young, they will listen to us even if we are doing exactly what we are telling them not to do. As they grow older, they observe our actions more closely, and they expect us to live according to the values we preach. It is very easy for them to see whether we are walking the talk, or if the rules that we set for them in terms of alcohol, relationships, money and language match up to how we are living.
Being consistent and genuine in our behavior is vital. Hypocrisy erodes trust and can lead to confusion and rebellion in our teenagers. Let’s strive to be the role models they need by living in alignment with our values.
There are many situations where parents are living in alignment with their values, but their teenager is still off-course. Keep loving. Continue to live without hypocrisy. Trust that your child will see your consistency and their heart will be moved. Continue to pray and ask the Lord for His help.
Reflection: Assess the rules you have given your teenager. Take note of any areas where you need to practice what you preach, too.
3. Your marriage & friendships create security
A secure teenager often emerges from a secure family environment. Building strong marriages and /or excellent friendships is crucial for their well-being.
It is vitally important for our children to know that our lives do not revolve around them. If our children take up all of our focus, all of the time, we are not setting them up for the best launch into adulthood.
If you’re married, your children need to see that your marriage takes priority after your relationship with God (if you are a Christ-follower). This creates boundaries for children, and makes them feel safe and builds trust. If you’re a single parent, this will look like other adults who form your close friendships and support network.
Reflection: Prioritise your spouse and consistently check in to make sure that your marriage is more important than your children. How are you showing that to them?
If you are a single parent, are you ensuring that you still have time for excellent friendships in your life? We all need to model healthy relationships for our children, in order to build a healthy relationship with them.
4. You should not be your teenager’s best friend
Our teenagers need to know that we are their parents, and this is a unique relationship. It is very different from being a best friend. We love them dearly, but we must be authoritative figures, not their buddy.
When our children are young, we lead them by authority. They don’t have the capacity to understand many things, and so they need to listen to our guiding in the world. As they grow older, our parenting role changes to influence over authority. We want them to follow in our footsteps because they see and admire the way we lead our lives. This will not happen if we murky the waters of our relationship when parenting teenagers.
This doesn’t mean we cannot have a close relationship, but it requires setting clear boundaries and enforcing appropriate consequences. When parenting teenagers, this is how we help them thrive in environments with clear boundaries and consistent love.
Reflection: What are some of the rules you have as a family when it comes to what is acceptable and what isn’t? Have you blurred the lines between parenting responsibility and friendship with your children? Discuss this as a couple and then, if need be, later with your children.
5. No teenager is the same
Children are unique by design, and our parenting needs to reflect that! Each child was knit together in their mother’s womb (Psalm 139: 13-16) for a specific purpose, with unique gifts, talents and personalities.
Certain values are non-negotiable when it comes to raising our children, regardless of their characters. For example, just because our child is shy, does not give them an excuse to have bad manners.
However, there are other areas of life where we will need to parent different children differently. We may need to adapt our approach to methods of discipline, how to communicate with each child, and our expectations when it comes to academics or sport.
Reflection: Is your child not responding to a certain way that you parent? Consider how to avoid unnecessary conflict by adapting your parenting style to suit your child’s individual character and needs.
6. Things are great, time is better.
Quality time – free from distractions – spent with your teenager is invaluable. They need to feel known, loved, and accepted, and dedicating uninterrupted time to listen to them is key to building a strong relationship.
Don’t spend time with them to tick a box, or to get specific information out of them that they might not be telling you. Spend time with them purely to get to know them, with no agenda. Let them speak. Ask them questions. Enjoy their company.
Quick bit of wisdom: Girls can connect easier face to face – over coffee or a meal. Boys may need to be doing something and talking side by side – playing a round of golf, working on a bike, playing a computer game or doing some DIY.
Reflection: How can you craft quality time with your teenager into your schedule? What do they enjoy doing and how can you be part of that?
7. Learn to listen, not lecture
As parents, we need to learn to listen more than we speak, and have healthy discussion more than we lecture. It is essential that we learn the art of proactive versus reactive parenting. Be proactive in creating an environment where they feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings with you.
We want to be the first people our teenagers talk to about the issues going on in their lives. That will only happen if they feel that we will still love them regardless, won’t lose our tempers, and will be ready to listen. Avoid excessive lecturing and instead engage in healthy discussions.
If you are struggling to connect, encourage them to speak to someone else that you respect and trust. During my high school years, whilst I did share quite a bit with my parents, I had youth pastors and mentors who I also spoke to about what was happening in my life and received invaluable support and advice.
Quick bit of wisdom: From a young age, make it a priority that your children are in places that have great role models. This could be a regular holiday camp, weekly youth group, or young adults church service. The sacrifice of time, fuel and holiday juggling will be worth it.
Reflection: How have you reacted in the past when your child shared something that shocked you? How can you improve in the future? Are there important conversations that you need to have with your teenager? How are they doing when it comes to healthy role models in their lives?
8. Let out the freedom line
This is probably one of the most difficult areas for parents to navigate. Parents can either be very strict, or not strict at all. Both of these extremes run the risk of damaging the relationship with your teenager. We need a balanced response, so what does that look like through the teenage years?
We need to gradually let out this freedom line based on their emotional readiness and personal desire to live within the boundaries we set in place at each age. Boundaries are essential for proper development of our teenagers, and for us as parents, too.
Initially these boundaries are set in stone by parents, but as our children grow older we can include them in the discussion on boundaries. As parents, we need to make the final decision and saying no can be the best possible thing for your child in certain situations.
So let’s explore a possible example when it comes to technology:
- We allow our children to watch a specific movie or show for a specific period of time that is safe and relevant. They cannot choose what they watch.
- We allow them to choose out of a selection of content that we have approved.
- They can choose the content that they watch (although we place age appropriate safeguards in place).
- They are allowed their own device with the same rules applied as above.
- They have full use of a device and we trust them to use it appropriately. We can still have content related safeguards in place.
Don’t rush this process
Don’t give your children too much freedom too soon. If you aren’t sure, speak to someone your trust and do your research. There is no reason to hurry, even if your contemporaries are doing things differently.
Don’t panic if your children push boundaries
Sometimes your child will push a boundary, or may fail when given responsibility. This is part of life. Practicing navigating these situations can actually help to strengthen your relationship with your teenager and move them towards maturity.
Reflection: Do you have healthy boundaries in place for your children? Take some time to assess if you have let out the freedom line too quickly or too slowly? Make some adjustments if necessary.
9. Love unconditionally, regardless of behaviour
Your teenager is not perfect, and they never will be. They are going through huge physical, emotional and psychological changes and sometimes they are simply confused about life.
Love them unconditionally, no matter their actions. While consequences are necessary, they need to know that your love remains constant, even when they make mistakes.
Reflection: Remind your teenager frequently that you love them unconditionally, regardless of their behavior.
10. Prepare your teenagers for a life of purpose
Our children have an important role to play in the world. They have unique gifts and we can’t put them into our own pre-conceived box. I have spoken to many teenagers who have chosen a certain study path or career because their parents demanded it. They may have completed degrees, but their lives are not full of joy and purpose, and sometimes they resent their parents.
Start preparing your children for a life of purpose at a young age. Have discussions about what they are passionate about. Broaden their perspective by being part of community service opportunities. Take advantage of personality and career tests that help give a glimpse into where they could be most suited. Encourage them to ask questions.
Reflection: Engage in conversations with your teenager about their passions and interests. Help them explore potential career paths and find their life’s purpose.
Take heart – God is with you
God is our Father. We can turn to His Word and see His example of how He loves us. He is a perfect parent, and we can ask for Him to give us wisdom and guidance. Ask Him to grow your relationship with your teenager; pray for His protection over them and His grace over you as you try to lead them in his ways. Embrace the journey of parenting, and with love, guidance, and support, watch your teenager thrive.
